The Bitter Taste of Betrayal

There’s a certain feeling that I’ve all too often been forced to endure, betrayal.

Betray-

verb (used with object)

1. to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his  country.
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one’s friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5. to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness  betrays her insecurity.

And in this particular case I speak of #3.  I’m not talking about being unfaithful, although much to my dismay I consider the disappointment of my hopes and expectations to be of equal emotional pain.  Far too often they go hand in hand, and in this case, it has gone too far…

I sit here, much as you once sat in front of your computer screen typing up the most emotionless set of words any human being has ever written me.  Yes, ever.  Much to your dislike,  you’re not the first nor the only person in my life to have an emotional connection with me, and for that…I am now thankful for.  I sit here heartbroken, distraught, emotionally exhausted, all which I’m far too familiar with for my own taste and it makes me wonder how it all got here.  How did we get here?  How did you turn into this selfish, self-absorbed human that I see before me?  And am I truly to blame for this change in you?  I can’t help but wonder if your actions are mere reactions to spending too much time with me, but in all truth, I find it not to be true.  I am not to blame for your lack of care, lack of substance of a person that you are and have always been. (This I’m sure of).  I find myself tied to you by loyalty which I assure you was not learned from you, but simply comes from me.

Bottomline, you’re a liar.  Nope, not like the rest of them.  The set of “them” could only wish to be as a big a liar as you.  I do believe you would have made an amazing actor, because you lie, you lie so beautifully, you horrible person.  Obviously at this point it’s safe to say I’m past the sad emotion at the thought of losing you, I want you gone.  I have never been with such a terrible person for myself and trust me…I’ve been through my fair share of terrible people.  You might change someday, or at the very least I sure hope so,  for whoever you end up with’s sake.

I hope that someday you find happiness with someone, much like the one we once had.  I hope you find a way to understand that affection isn’t given through doing things for someone but through actual forms of affection such as a smile, a hug, a kiss, a mere compliment.  I can never stress enough how much of this I should have known two years ago when we met.  You’re such a versatile creature that you actually hide your true self behind the person you’ve met. You attempt to be just like them to be accepted, when in reality that’s not the person you are.  I am tired of silently wishing you would have never texted me and am now to the point where I quite literally wish I had a time machine where I can go back and not let myself realize my phone was disconnected and therefore would miss your first text.  In return, you would have never texted me again, and “we” would never be.  I should have been with someone more deserving of me… may very well be with someone entirely different at this point somewhere in a different dimension, and I live for that to be true.

I hope you don’t lie, withhold, or hold back from true emotion to anyone you seek a romantic relationship with in the future.  As for me, I hope we never speak again in an attempt to fully erase you in your entirety from my life.

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On the Anniversary of my Release from the Prison of his Judgement

Today marks the 1st anniversary of the day my “most” significant of The Others(more on them another time) left me and went radio silent.  Not to be confused with the demise of our relationship, I believe that really died the first time he ever mentioned breaking up.  If I’m not mistaken it was Memorial Day 2011 (it is now 2016, you do the math). I digress.

If you know me well enough, you know it’s of no surprise that I remember the exact date.  I assure you, it has a lot less to do with me caring about the date and more to do with who I am as a person.  I live by remembering dates and significant events in my life.  This date is particularly significant because I continued living (much to my surprise).  I didn’t break down as I had with my previous relationships and I’ve come to find that it has a lot to say about who he was as a person and how he treated me.  Let’s just say it wasn’t good.

So when the time came to move on, despite my very wishes, I did.  I recall gathering my thoughts and picking up what was left of my dignity, finally accepting he not only didn’t want to be with me(which he said often, we’re talking every day…). But that he also didn’t want me in his life, nor did he remotely care about me or my life to stay in mine.  Not much of a shocker there.

I remember feeling relief when I woke up that morning to his lack of morning text.  He had broken up with me many times before, far too many for me to ever manage to keep track of.  Yet every time he had, he would manage to text me the next day as if nothing had ever happened and I just went about my day with our usual routine.  This day was different, he was fully gone.  I’m not going to sit here, lie and say that I didn’t call him twice when I received his final text the night before saying something around the lines of “I hate you. I’m done”. Which I absolutely did.  Yet it was completely out of character of me to give up at 2 calls when the person you’ve shared your life with for more than 4 years sends such a definitive and hurtful text.

Once again, I fully believe this says more about him and the way he treated me than anything else.  And so I felt relief…relief that he finally meant it and set me free from the prison of his judgement.  It’s been a long and steady process but I finally feel free from the hold he had on me.  I finally feel alive again and what an eye opening experience it is to be surrounded by an array of people who genuinely love me for who I am and not for who they want or expect me to be.

A Sister’s Guide to Dating “Don’ts” and/or “Dos”

I know I may or may not be too late for this one but…

  1. Don’t date the sibling of the person you’re interested in. (That means their relative, cousin, parent, friend, etc) Just, don’t.
  2. Don’t date someone who is significantly older than you… at least until you’re 25. (More on that LATER)
  3. Don’t date someone to spite someone else.  That means don’t do it to spite me, brother, mom, dad, your friends, an ex, fill-in-the-blank, etc.  Don’t do this at all. *whispers* Date people you want to date.
  4. Don’t date someone simply because they’re giving you some attention.  (Many people can do that, it’s not out of the ordinary. This brings me to #5…)
  5. Don’t use people.  Don’t let someone buy you things, or do nice things for you when you have no interest in them.
  6. Also, don’t date someone when you’re not interested in them.  Dating someone because you think you can’t do any better, or don’t have any other options at the time… is never a good reason at all.  This and #5 are a vicious cycle and they hurt people.
  7. Don’t date someone who’s been a douchebag to someone they “cared” about previously. They will just as easily be a douche to you.
  8. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t give you the time of day.  <—This will never change.
  9. Don’t be with someone who’s actively trying to change you, they are looking for someone that isn’t you.
  10. Steer clear of being with someone whom you don’t trust, respect, or admire.  If you they don’t illicit those things in you, then you’re the wrong person for them.  Yes, I said you’re the wrong person for them.
  11. When an ex tries to get back with you and you’ve found someone else…first of all, question their motives, second of all don’t look back.
  12. Being jaded isn’t a good excuse to date people that are completely wrong for you.  Knowing they’re wrong for you doesn’t make it any better.
  13. Stories of Mr Wrong & Mr Right Now, will not sit too well with Mr Right.  It’s simple, don’t do something you’ll be ashamed of.  Pretending you don’t have a conscience is also not a good excuse
  14. If you feel alone when you’re next to your significant other…they are not the right person for you.
  15. If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship, don’t agree to date someone who is letting you know they’re dating other people as well.  This is not your opportunity to see if you can change them.  Your love, time, and affection won’t change the fact that it’s not the kind of relationship they’re looking for.
  16. Don’t lack standards.  Sit down, make a list.
  17. Don’t make the same mistakes, over and over and over again.  Please learn something new every time (this goes for everything in life, not just relationships)
  18. Don’t not listen to Mom.  What that means is, listen to Mom.  Mom gives some really good advice, some super biased advice… but she’ll never do you wrong.
  19. Don’t let Dad see you cry after a break-up or argument.  He will hate that person forever.
  20. Use Brother for advice.  Really, I can’t stress this enough, he’s good.  I know-I know, he’s not the sharpest too in the shed (lol) but seriously, he knows his stuff.

Moral of the story? Relationships are complicated but they should be simple.  Don’t waste your time on the wrong people.

“Only once in your life…”

Now here’s someone that knew what they were talking about. Read it, learn it, and hopefully some day…experience it.

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

-Bob Marley